Writing For The Botetourt Squat Builds Character, Adds A Showstopping Element To Any Resume11/16/2020 Guys Trust Me On This OneBy Chicky Nuggy BoiAlright, imagine this: you’re a boss of an influential company, interviewing many talented young applicants. You’re sitting there, tired and sad. Despite the seven-year Alcoholics Anonymous medallion sitting in the drawer, you wish that it was the ’60s and you could have a glass of whiskey without eliciting uncomfortable and judgmental stares; maybe if it was still ’68 you could even keep a snubnose .38 special in your desk without anyone batting an eye. You’re tired and sad and craving a drink because all these young whippersnappers you’ve talked to are dull, boring suits. Stupid, dumb, and worst of all they look like bureaucrats. They look like tax-collectors and mailmen — they look soft.
Then one applicant walks into your office. They have style. They walk the walk and talk the talk. There’s just something about them that says … confidence. They sit down and you pick up their resume. It’s incredible. Showstopping. Absolutely fucking magnificent. So what’s the deal? “Where’s the fuckin' catch?” you ask yourself. If this kid’s so qualified and talented and sexy, why isn’t he just like all those other trashy dumb bureaucrat suits sitting out in the lobby? Then you see it: staff writer at The Botetourt Squat, Williamsburg. This kid’s fucking got it -- he’s got the spunk. “You’re hired” are the only words that come out of your mouth. It’s these future employers who will be most impressed to see that you worked for such an illustrious newspaper as The Botetourt Squat. When you put staff writer at The Squat on your resume, you show that you have the strength and willpower to make jokes about cum and griffin balls. It’s this sort of moral fiber that they’re looking for when interviewing potential candidates. Do you really think that every workplace wants to hire another cunt from the Business School? Do you really want to waste you life away working for some fucking consulting firm laying off loyal middle-class workers? Working for The Squat proves that you have integrity, style, and most of all, a sense of humour. Chicky Nuggy Boi enjoys his chicky nuggys. You promised you were going to get him some. You promised, but you forgot, and now he's going to shit himself in protest. What a nasty, stinky little boy.
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