Writing For The Botetourt Squat Builds Character, Adds A Showstopping Element To Any Resume11/16/2020 Guys Trust Me On This OneBy Chicky Nuggy BoiAlright, imagine this: you’re a boss of an influential company, interviewing many talented young applicants. You’re sitting there, tired and sad. Despite the seven-year Alcoholics Anonymous medallion sitting in the drawer, you wish that it was the ’60s and you could have a glass of whiskey without eliciting uncomfortable and judgmental stares; maybe if it was still ’68 you could even keep a snubnose .38 special in your desk without anyone batting an eye. You’re tired and sad and craving a drink because all these young whippersnappers you’ve talked to are dull, boring suits. Stupid, dumb, and worst of all they look like bureaucrats. They look like tax-collectors and mailmen — they look soft.
Then one applicant walks into your office. They have style. They walk the walk and talk the talk. There’s just something about them that says … confidence. They sit down and you pick up their resume. It’s incredible. Showstopping. Absolutely fucking magnificent. So what’s the deal? “Where’s the fuckin' catch?” you ask yourself. If this kid’s so qualified and talented and sexy, why isn’t he just like all those other trashy dumb bureaucrat suits sitting out in the lobby? Then you see it: staff writer at The Botetourt Squat, Williamsburg. This kid’s fucking got it -- he’s got the spunk. “You’re hired” are the only words that come out of your mouth. It’s these future employers who will be most impressed to see that you worked for such an illustrious newspaper as The Botetourt Squat. When you put staff writer at The Squat on your resume, you show that you have the strength and willpower to make jokes about cum and griffin balls. It’s this sort of moral fiber that they’re looking for when interviewing potential candidates. Do you really think that every workplace wants to hire another cunt from the Business School? Do you really want to waste you life away working for some fucking consulting firm laying off loyal middle-class workers? Working for The Squat proves that you have integrity, style, and most of all, a sense of humour. Chicky Nuggy Boi enjoys his chicky nuggys. You promised you were going to get him some. You promised, but you forgot, and now he's going to shit himself in protest. What a nasty, stinky little boy.
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The Silent Majority Craves BloodBy Phyllis FruitflyYesterday, the abortion debate at W&M exploded again. It’s an age-old story: Tribe For Life put up some propaganda, some anonymous vigilante removed it, and certain unnamed people defecated themselves over the notion. All of this has happened before, all of it will happen again. So let me offer a brave, unexpected new opinion on this topic: This lack of civility just plain alienates the moderate silent majority.
Yes, I am a moderate on this issue. As always, this means three things: One, I’m smarter than you. Two, my thoughts represent what the average American is too scared to say. Three, I’m smarter than you. Sure, the pro-life and pro-choice movements are well represented on this campus. But what about salt-of-the-earth people like me, who are both anti-life and anti-choice? The great American tradition of anti-life sentiment has been left in the dust. My pop-pop was a farmer, and god bless him, the man never met a living creature he didn’t hate. He didn’t care if you called it a clump of cells or an unborn life, he just hoped that it would some day suffer. I’ll never forget the afternoons he spent with me playing catch, telling war stories, and beating the shit out of toddlers. And to think that nowadays, he would be “cancelled" by “cancel culture” for this. When did we lose our way? Organizations like Tribe For Life don’t speak for the average joe like me. Sure, we’re all for taking away someone’s ability to choose for poorly-defined reasons. But in the name of protecting “life?” Even if the science doesn’t back them up, the notion is abhorrent. This is why radicals like T4L are losing the trust of the American heartland. Can’t we, as a nation, find a middle ground in which the state invades our personal privacy without advancing a pro-existence agenda? The state of discourse saddens me. Some people are saying that erasing a message on a chalkboard is authoritarian censorship. This is frustrating because god-fearing Americans like me crave real oppression. This weakling chalk-erasing namby-pamby could have chosen to dynamite the chalkboard so that nobody could express their opinions, but instead they let us down. What will it take for them to properly represent morally-upstanding people like me? Make no mistake, the heart and soul of this nation is and always has been a complete and total disregard for the lives and freedoms of other people. How else do you explain Ronald Reagan? It’s the one thing that binds us together as a nation, as a people, as a campus. But sadly, if you’re a patriotic nihilist like me, you are simply no longer welcome to make yourself heard. They’ll tell you to “stop”, to “check your privilege”, to “put down that flamethrower oh god aghh it burns.” I miss the old America. In conclusion, let me leave you with this thought: Tribe For Life is Antifa. For shame. Phyllis Fruitfly is a wretched creature, a carrion-eater birthed from the grave of Phyllis Schlafly. They are an important member of the discourse and you will respect them. Oops I Did It Again And I Will Continue To Do ItBy Lemon Hall Fire Alarm.............................................._ ̧„„„„_ ........................................„--~*’ ̄.......’\ ..................................... („-~~--„ ̧_....,/ì’Ì ................................ ̧„-^” ̄ : : : : : ̧- ̄” ̄/’ ........................ ̧„„-^” ̄ : : : : : : : ‘\ ̧„„,-” ** ̄ ̄ ̄’^^~-„„„----~^*’” ̄ : : : : : : : : : : ̧-” .:.:.:.:.„-^” : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :„-” :.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.: : : : : : : : : : ̧„-^ ̄ .::.:.:.:.:.:.:.:. : : : : : : : ̧„„-^ ̄ :.’ : : ‘\ : : : : : : : ; ̧„„-~” :.:.:: :”-„“”***/*’ì ̧’ ̄ :.’: : : : :”-„ : : :”\ .:.:.: : : : :” : : : : \, :.: : : : : : : : : : : : ‘Ì : : : : : : :, : : : : : :/ “-„_::::_„-*__„„~”
Lemon Hall Fire Alarm is WEEWOOWEEWOOWEEWOOWEEOO By Thicc Argentinian Boi By Arnold Spicy Weiner |
POINT: Fascism is the most efficient mode of government. If run correctly, a fascist state can transform a painfully slow bureaucracy into lightning-fast action; all the trains run on time, and all the traffic flows in an orderly fashion. Order, the deliverance from chaos, is the defining feature of a facist government — and order, above all else, is what our society needs. It’s for this reason that I think William and Mary should transition its leadership bodies into a more facist and autocratic government. All of William and Mary’s problems, both financial and social, could be alleviated by implementing an effective facist leadership system to act in the students’ best interests. The collective will of the students needs to be better represented in the thoughts and actions of our governing bodies. Relying on antiquated means of leadership like “democracy” and “constitutional republics” can get in the way of progress. This also goes for an open court system. By trying and convicting students in closed courts, we can increase the speed at which our justice system acts. Furthermore, execution can better be used as a humane way to dispatch anxiety-ridden twamps guilty of heinous crimes, such as removing one’s shoes in Swem. Join me, brothers and sisters, as we revolutionize this glorious swamp. (Resistance is futile.) | COUNTERPOINT: You fascist slut! Ignorant hobgoblin fool! I love my American freedoms more than I love my own mother, and I’ll be damned if you tell me what I can and cannot do. If I choose to buy a 6.0L turbo-diesel pickup truck that gets 10 mpg, then so be it! If I choose to do nothing all day but eat flamin-hot Cheetos and beat the FUCK outta my meat, then that’s my God-given American right! If I decide that I wanna pursue a career in aquatic waste management, then that’s my prerogative! YOU don’t get to tell me that I’m not allowed to live on top of a lamppost, and YOU certainly aren’t gonna keep me from swallowing my own semen however I see fit! Adolf had one fucking testicle, and that’s an objective fact! And he was a fucking VEGETARIAN! What in the unholy fuck is up with that? To quote from the late-great Anthony Bour- daine: “Vegetarians [italics mine], and their Hezbollah-like splinter cell the vegans, are the enemy of everything good in this world” (Bourdain, “Kitchen Confidential,” Bloomsbury, 2000). There you have it folks, all facists are vegetarians. I for one will keep eating my 20 oz Tomahawk ribeye with the same gusto and American flair that made this country so great in the first place! And I’ll be damned if some silly goose-stepping monkey in a peaked cap will tell me otherwise! |