The Research Project Of The MilleniaBy Mr. JuulIt has been a minute but now we are back! If you are returning you probably missed seeing all the usual scenery of campus. From squirrels standing idle in a biker’s path to the masks of optimism that students wear, hiding the crippling anxiety of deadlines that forever envelop this student body. But there is one thing that you have likely missed the most. They are the most important part of campus. Some may even say that they hold this whole place together. They are the bricks.
It doesn’t take a Monroe Scholar to realize that there are a few bricks on this campus. There are actually several in fact. I doubt you could go anywhere on this campus with encountering one of these dry, red, rectangular prisms. To put it simply, there is a good amount of bricks that make up our fine and ancient campus. It is this observation that has influenced some of the most renown William and Mary researchers to uncover what might be the greatest William and Mary mystery: how many bricks are on this campus? Researchers Mason Ree, Clarence Èment, Benjamin Rick, and Mort Hare have unveiled a new research initiative labeled Project Brick Counter, to which head researcher Benjamin Rick claims “will be revolutionary,” and “provide this body of students and staff a whole new understanding of their school.” Mason Ree is very optimistic about their current progress, “We now know that there are at least ten bricks. It’s all very exciting!” I am very thankful that the researchers trusted me to share the news of this compelling new research initiative with you. Mort Hare explained that they first tried Flat Hat but were rejected due to the tedious requirements of the news journal, “They wanted pointless things and asked very irrelevant questions like ‘Do you have any valid credentials?’ ‘Do you even go to this college?’ ‘Counting bricks? Are you on crack?’” For the record, the researchers only snort bath salts. I for one am astonished by this blatant act censorship committed by the Flat Hat journalists. It goes to show who you can really trust these days in the media. Nevertheless, at least we at this esteemed journal are here to bring you the real and important news including matters as profound as this. The researchers of Project Brick Counter have partnered with the Drying Paint Watchers Association better known as DPWA and The Grass Observers Organization to help fund, staff, and organize this initiative. However, this collaboration will not be enough Rick explained. The researchers are requesting donations and volunteers to help count the bricks on campus. To volunteer, please contact [email protected]. Volunteers might be given lunch and will be paid thirty Sovereign Bolivars for their help. To donate please call this number: 234 9 2340 303 (call charges may apply). The researchers thank you for your time reading.
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