William & Mary Administration Reveals Mythical New Plan to Curtail Effects of Overenrollment8/29/2022 Reject modernity, embrace tradition By Coxie Moron INTEGRATED SCIENCE CENTER—Welcome to the beginning of the school year, William & Mary students and faculty! We at the Botetourt Squat are happy to announce that there have been many significant changes to campus since we last brought you an issue. For incoming students, welcome to your new h(ell)ome!
First, we all know about the new Sadler Expansion, which is a mystery in and of itself, aesthetically pleasing though it may be. Cosi and Qdoba, some of the only palatable food on campus, are conspicuously missing from their respective areas. So too, it seems, are the numerous tables that once populated Sadler Terrace. Who took them? Why? Must our asses be so bereft of seating and of food to cushion them? It seems our questions remain unanswered, for now. Swem Library continues to suck the motivation to study out of some students, only returning it the night before assignments or tests, while others accept their inhabitance of the liminal space. For freshmen: beware the snipers in between the stacks on the third floor—if you breathe too loudly or wear flip flops, you will immediately be tranquilized and transferred to the first floor with no memory of how you got there! Another building that has undergone a small but significant change is the Integrated Science Center, or ISC, located just a few minutes from Sadler and a short but agonizing walk from Boswell. While from the outside it may look the same, the interior…also looks the same. But! There is a new semi-permanent inhabitant of the interior that is not the same. Take that, failed comparison! In the spring, the William & Mary Office of Admissions welcomed the freshman Class of 2026. In true W&M fashion, the office overenrolled many of the freshman class in hopes of squeezing out just a little more money out of freshly-adult pockets and their parents’ possibly fat wallets. With so many students left in the cold in terms of housing and class sizes, the admin stood around and shook their heads in confusion. How could this happen? How could they fix it? Over the summer, visiting professor Mike Och found a mysterious tome in the Special Collections archive, with curious Ancient Greek writing on it. Being a Classics and History professor, he did what most people on campus would do: decoded its pages and read aloud its contents, barely thinking of the consequences. When he uttered a certain page aloud, a creature of great terror and might erupted from the pages: the Minotaur, from the classic Greek myths! Professor Och tells the Botetourt Squat, “It was the most terrifying yet arousing—I mean, awe-inspiring thing that has ever happened to me. Most of what happened is a blur, but I’m just glad I could come to an accord with the creature that will benefit all of us.” To avoid the Minotaur’s wrath and widespread desire to consume everyone on campus, Professor Mike Och, the Dean of Students, and the Office of Admissions came up with a plan: the Minotaur would have free reign of the ISC, its maze-like and frustrating interior the perfect environment for the creature and his desire to explore. In return for providing him space to roam, he is in turn allowed to eat 14 freshmen lost in the building each year. It will keep housing costs down, and no one wants to anger a Minotaur, right? A perfect solution to the problem they created! While revealing this to parents and students in the new liability waiver sent out this past week, many were outraged, but others are excited by the prospect. One freshman, Jamie Lee Curtis (not to be confused with the famed Jamie Lee Curtis of Everything Everywhere All At Once fame) says about the new clause, “It’s so fucking cool—like, at what other school could you get eaten by a Minotaur? If I survive this year, I’m gonna get a huge tattoo and so much therapy!” Who knows who will be the 14 unlucky ducks who become the Minotaur’s lunch this semester, but let it be known: Botetourt Squat thinks this year will be quite exciting and gleefully awaits the mishaps that shall inevitably occur on campus. Until the next issue!
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