William and Mary Administration Decides to Enhance Fire Alarm System and Dorm Evacuation Procedure10/17/2021 Who up and evacuating? By Mister JUUL To ensure the safety of the William and Mary student body, the Administration has announced its new plans to improve its fire alarm system. A source from within the Administration has come to this journal with an exclusive scoop on the matter:
“We have heard complaints from the entirety of the student body that our fire alarm system is flawed so today we want to finally address this issue head on with our new enhancements to the dorm fire alarm system. Originally the dorm smoke detectors were calibrated to catch things such as smoke and heated vapors mostly to stop people from vaping in the dorms. But we have now made significant alterations to our fire alarms. They will now be calibrated to go off from even the slightest change in the air. Shower steam: alarm. A sneeze: alarm. A one degree shift in the room temperature: alarm. The mere thought of smoke: alarm. We hope this sign of attentiveness to the risk of fire will be admired by all the student body. We also plan to change the volume of the alarm. The original ear piercing screech we know all students love will be amped up to 150 decibels. You will know that someone has overcooked their popcorn by .2 seconds in the room ten rooms across and three floors up. We plan for 80 percent of the student body to have permanent hearing loss by the end of their full four year tenure. That is just how much we care about our students' well-being. The student body knows that we care a lot about mental health on this campus, and these enhancements are sure to bring them reassurance of their protection from any risk of fire. They will be so grateful that being woken up three times consecutively from 3 AM to 6 AM on exam days is their school administration looking out for their peace of mind. Additionally, to aid in the efficiency of Williamsburg FD in putting out fires which will more likely be a spray of Febreze and a complete waste of their time, we will now implement school policy so that any student found lingering outside the designated fire evacuation zone will be executed on sight. We hope that this will allow the firefighters to have faster access to the dorm, and act as another sign of our desire to keep students safe in the .00000000001 percent likelihood case that the dorm somehow explodes. There we conclude our new enhancements to the fire alarm system. We hope that the student body will appreciate these changes as a token of our concern for them, and not see them as a veiled attempt to enact psychological warfare on them in retaliation to instances of student assembly against us. Thank you for your time.
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