The Tent on the Sunken Garden Revealed to be Location of Kathy Rowe’s Tesla’s New Mansion10/25/2022 The poor grass! By Nync Ompoup We’ve all seen the tent that is being built, through rain and shine (but mostly rain), on the Sunken Garden. I personally am upset at this new addition. I like to study on the Gardens (even though I wouldn’t have been able to because of the rain but that ISN’T IMPORTANT) and this new tent is such an eyesore! It is killing the poor grass. How could they?
But what exactly is it being built for? We at the Botetourt Squat have made it our mission to find out. And by we, I mean me. Upon my arrival, I was calmly screamed at by the person in charge of the project to get out of the construction zone. Was it because they were building and I was interrupting? Or could it be that there is something there that they didn’t want me to see? Sure enough, the next day there were ropes put up to prevent students from going on the Sunken Garden. Suspicious… I decided to do what any sane and normal person would do: sneak out to the Sunken Garden at 3 AM. I couldn’t sleep anyway with people playing loud music outside, so it wasn’t hard to stay awake. The tent was half constructed, but I managed to find a blueprint left behind. It was a house; a large, extravagant, and definitely expensive one at that. Written on top was Secret Plans for Kathy’s Tesla’s Mansion- TOP SECRET. When I flipped over the page, it was a blueprint for the tent. Written on this side was Extra Super Ordinary Tent. When I turned the paper back over, I noticed that you could kind of see the dimensions of the tent inside the house. With further examination, I found that the tent was covering a foundation for something else until the rain lets up and construction can continue. That something else is Kathy Rowe’s Tesla’s new multi million dollar mansion! I was awed that our president would build something so selfless, something sure to make our campus even more beautiful! Why have the Wren Building be what you want tourists to see when they can be looking at Rowe’s Tesla’s glorious new house? The next day, after running away from the scene of my probable breach of the honor code, I contacted Rowe (well, her secretary, she was too busy doing “other stuff” to talk to me) to hear her thoughts on this new development. “There’s not a mansion- alright, look. We know you were there, so it’s useless to lie. It’s supposed to be a surprise… and you’re writing this down. Wonderful.” After assuring the secretary that I would, in fact, be sharing this with the whole campus, I asked the secretary about the plans for the mansion. “Forget it, I’ll just answer your questions. Uh, this isn’t on the record, right? Good. Like I was saying, yeah, Kathy is building another house for her Tesla. The tent is temporary, but we’re using it for homecoming weekend to prove that we know how to allocate funding. After this week, it’ll get taken down and Kathy’s Tesla’s new mansion will get put up!” I asked about how this would affect alumni donations, speaking of which. “Yeah, we had to take money from the funds for this project. The money we took was specifically allocated to the faculty and academics. But who needs that anyway? Kathy’s Tesla’s new house isn’t going to pay for itself.” I continued with a question as to what exactly the Tesla would be using this mansion for. “Kathy already has a fairly large house and a beach house, so she doesn’t need another one for now. But her poor Tesla has to live in a parking garage like a common car, or God forbid, outside, where the paint will get scratched or it will get dusty! The Tesla’s new mansion will ensure that it has plenty of space to stretch its wheels and roll around. It will also include a complimentary car sized go kart track, swimming pool, and a 17th century ballroom. There will also be a 24 karat gold anatomically correct griffin statue outside.” It seems that the tent has a spectacular new use. After all, who needs the Sunken Garden when you can live vicariously through Rowe’s Tesla? EDITOR’S NOTE: We at the Botetourt Squat know that what was actually the Homecoming tent has since been taken down, but we will still take any opportunity to slander President Rowe and her unending Tesla habit.
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