Residence Life Announces That Students Who Lose Their Keys Will Be Executed Via Firing Squad8/29/2022 For Legal Reasons this is a Joke By Chicken McRegrets In a recent update this Monday morning that stunned millions, the William and Mary Office of Residence Life has announced that they have changed their policy for students who request temporary keys. Starting this fall, students who lock themselves out of their dorms or otherwise misplace their keys will be executed via firing squad. These executions are planned to occur at the Wren Building, where nobody will notice the bullet holes (except for the anthropology students, and who cares about them?). Construction crews have already been hired on campus to turn the statue of Lord Botetourt around so he can watch the executions with his beady, soulless eyes, and the university plans to close down the new and improved Sadler Center in order to hire real live colonial reenactors to pull the trigger, Piglet.
“We hope this will encourage students to be more responsible regarding their belongings while also bringing back the school’s colonial feel,” said Jatherine Jowe, a rogue clone of Katherine Rowe who escaped the Integrated Science Center’s iGEM lab last February and forcibly assumed the mantle of director of Residence Life. “We’re hoping to transfer some of the funds that we previously used on temporary keys to increasing our ad campaigns for Tribe Week or maybe even installing a usable wheelchair ramp somewhere on campus— oh, who am I kidding?” Jowe then spontaneously combusted at the mention of campus accessibility and is no longer available for comment. Students’ responses to this update are mixed. Some are excited that the public nature of these executions will finally give them something to do around Williamsburg aside from gathering all the heterosexuals on campus so they won’t get hatecrimed at Mellow Mushroom. Others are worried about the sustainability of this initiative. Jacqueline Sustainability, head of the William and Mary Office of Sustainability, says that the office is currently working with Residence Life and hopes to change the execution method. Under the new Office of Sustainability plan, offending students will be manually used as woodchipper fuel for the Sunken Gardens fertilizer as early as June 2023. To ensure that no student is given preferential treatment, Resident Advisors who disapprove of Residence Life’s new initiative will be constantly surveilled by a robot that shoots lasers from its eyes and ominously sings the Alma Mater on repeat. Student Accessibility Services has released an announcement assuring everyone that students with ADHD or other disabilities that impair memory can file for accommodations so that they can give up one of their kidneys in lieu of being executed. In addition, students with social anxiety can apply to have their execution occur privately in one of the Watson Lab’s soundproof booths. SAS has promised that these accommodations will be filed with great gusto and will be decided on within a swift 8-10 business years of the initial request. Res Life has high hopes for this program, and hopes to expand it over the coming years to execute a variety of groups such as bike thieves and students who try to eat at a location that isn’t Sadler or Caf. If you’d like to apply for an internship as one of the colonial reenactors who gets to perform executions or fill Jatherine Jowe’s spot as Res Life director, please visit the Cohen Career Center.
1 Comment
Sam Sparks
8/29/2022 09:53:01 pm
Excellent article, Chicken! Eagerly awaiting your next article!!
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