Kappa Shitma: Wave of Laxative-Induced Shits Sweeps Across Campus from Spiked Jungle Juice9/19/2021 At least its not Gonorrhea! By Ross Ewage While this publication has long since prided itself on being a unique on-campus occurrence, it appears that in the wake of a recent party at the Kappa Sigma fraternity house, it is not the only Squat taking the campus community by (shit)storm.
As the casualties from an unfortunate batch of spiked jungle juice continue to amount, a growing number of freshmen have spent their first fall rushing the Williamsburg plumbing system, violently beating the shit out of one another in a quest to survive the gut-wrenching trek back to campus. Those who are particularly desperate have been spotted descending upon the Wawa bathrooms in droves, knowing that it is the last remaining frontier; they are acutely aware that every other facility that was once available to them is now little more than a past memory, lost to a laxative-induced hurricane. Although many of the party hosts have declined to comment or otherwise chosen to hide behind the Athletics Department, those that have not slipped through the cracks are adamant that this was “an accident.” “It was never meant to turn out like this,” said sophomore and Kappa Sigma member Hugh Jass. “When we found out that our ketamine supply was low, there was a moment of like, mass panic, but we decided that we couldn’t just not add anything, right? So we improvised.” This sentiment was echoed by a number of other members, who stated that “While we refuse to take responsibility for what happens at events we sponsor, this incident was deeply regrettable and does not represent the values central to this Chapter. Please give us money.” When asked about preventing similar occurrences at future events, IFC President Colin Oscopy shrugged in response. “I can’t really answer that...honestly, it’s all in the name of harmless fun. Even if we wanted to do something about it, why would we? Isn’t this how things have always been?”
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