Esteemed Researcher Unveils Initiative Pertaining to the Local Emergency Services at William2/20/2022 I have a good feeling about this By Mr JUUL Esteemed Researcher Benjamin Rick, renowned for his research in testing how many pounds of school toilet paper one could steal before it can be deemed a felony, and most recently his joint effort to count all the bricks on campus, has come to this news journal to unveil his new initiative in assessing the efficiency of Williamsburg emergency services at William and Mary.
W&M is notorious for its need of emergency services such as the famed fire of Jefferson Hall, as well as the countless times whole buildings had to be evacuated due to poorly sprayed air freshener or breathed out JUUL vapor. Rick explained that these cases have infatuated him and fueled a desire to examine the extent of the Williamsburg PD and FD speed in their response times. For Rick, the method to his research is fairly simple. He exclaimed that all he needs to do is slowly escalate the emergencies on campus to determine at what point the local emergency services could no longer handle the ensuing chaos. "We start off slow. The usual stuff, a spray of Febreze in a dorm room smoke detector, a burnt bag of popcorn, a press of the emergency beacon. Then we gradually ramp up the pressure. We light fires in each academic building, and basically napalm strike whatever Morton Hall is now called while we are at it. We get people to activate all the emergency beacons at once. Lastly, all we need is some anthrax and Marketplace will be shut down for good." Some soy boys may look at this plan with skepticism. "Isn't this… terrorism?" they may ask. No. "It's not terrorism if you do it in the name of Research," Rick boasted. I wholeheartedly agree, and not just because he gave me felattio in return for writing this piece. Rick came to this journal to spread the word of his "monumental" and "important" scientific quest and to get as many volunteers and donations as possible. He explained that his research team had disbanded after an argument over what a brick was and soon after began prostituting themselves to feed their addictions to bath salts. "I need all the help I can get. It requires a team effort to press all these buttons and firebomb all these buildings. Plus, anthrax is also really expensive I think," Rick said while preparing a line of synthetic cathinone to snort. He asks all volunteers and donors to email him at [email protected] and that donors simply give him all their credit and debit card information. He thanks you all for your time.
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