Have a baffling mystery? Email me at [email protected]! by Anny Nonymous DEAR ANNY: I need some advice. Sex advice. I am a person who has lots of sex. Women love me. Fish fear me. I’m the complete opposite of a virgin because I like to have sex: lots of sex. Like one time, there was this man that I met at a party, and we had sex later. It was great, we had sex all day. Then another time, I met this woman who really wanted to do the Triathlon with me, so we did it all twice. Then we did the regular Triathlon, and had sex in the Crim Dell after.
Anyway, you get the point that I have lots of sex, so you’re probably wondering why I’m asking you about it. I don’t need help with sex because I have sex all the time. However, my friend has never had sex before and he wants to know how to have sex with a woman. So yeah, I’m just asking for a friend. I have sex a lot. He’s too scared to ask you, so I’m asking for him because my sex drive gives me confidence. Did I mention I have sex? –SEXUAL WALLACE DEAR SEXUAL WALLACE: I am, of course, more than happy to assist your friend in this matter. There are many feelings involved in sexual intercourse, as I am sure you are aware. First, be sure to find someone who is as interested in you as you are in them. And, of course, wear protection. There are free condoms given out in various places around campus, including the Center for Student Diversity and the Wellness Center. To engage a woman, I suggest you join the chorus of males already on campus attempting to attract females. They are located at the Crim and Grim Dells. You need a display to court a female successfully, so make loud calls. Deeper and longer calls mean that you are a larger, healthier male, and thus more appealing to a female. When you are approached by a female, begin your mating courtship dance. Spread your arms and wow her with your dancing prowess! If this female is not attracted to you, that is not a problem! Continue your calling throughout the night. Being able to keep up the high energy act of yelling while not being eaten by a predator is a feat that is sure to impress. I wish your friend the best of luck in courtship.
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February 2020November 2019October 2019 |